prayer
“Help me to find You now in this moment of deepest grief, My darling. I want to be with You, heart to heart, face to face where all I see is You and Your beauty and Your majesty. I need to see Your eyes now, so desperately! When You look at me, You see deep down into my soul; You search me and You find me in my despair. You know my heart inside out. You see my need and the hurt, even when I want to blame You and question Your ways with me; even when I say, “It’s not fair!” Oh, My Husband and my King, my best Sweetheart, my closest Friend, the One who never leaves me, never gives up on me, I want to be single-minded. This is my desire, but sometimes –I’m so sorry– I falter and fall and stumble and find myself in the dirt again. I feel so hurt, and again that it is too hard. I lose all my resolve, and it seems impossible all over again. So tired, but I can’t sleep. Hungry but can’t eat. Feels like I’m in reverse –falling… like there’s nothing to hold onto. How quickly that crack floods my mind. And yes, right when my galleon is full…full of blind obedience and just saying yes, the test comes, and I fail so miserably…I’m so sorry my Jesus…but where shall I go from Your presence; where shall I flee from You, darling One? You are right with me lying in the mud. You are willing to lie down in the mud with me and get all dirty too, dear sweet Jesus. Oh Jesus, you are with me when I make my bed in the dirt. You know my frame, how so very hopeless I am without You. I don’t want to turn my face away from You, my sweetest ever! I really do want the truth in my inward parts; you know that –despite my wanting to just disappear and not have to face this unclimbable mountain before me. It is too high, too steep, too rocky, too cold, too windy, not enough oxygen!”
